Time for my completely uninformed picks for the Oscar.

Best Picture:

Well, I have only seen “The Aviator” so, I guess I will have to choose, well, nothing. “The Aviator” was an okay movie; not sure why it was nominated for so many awards, honestly. I hear Martin Scoresaysee is the favorite. Not sure why. I have seen many of his films and always walked out scratching my head wondering why everyone gets all hot and bothered over his films. I have never found any of his films remotely interesting or entertaining, save “The Aviator," and that was just okay. Isn't Martee Scoresaysee a gangster? My mom always told me gangsters are bad.
There is some boxing movie where some girl wants to Box or something. I don’t know. I hear she dies at the end at the hands of Dirty Harry (I don’t think he used a 44 Magnum to blow her head clean off, though.) Sounds like a downer to me. I like my films to up lifting like…Were there any uplifting movies this year? No? I blame bin Laden.

Best Picture: “The Aviator”
Should win: Um…"The Aviator?" No? Okay. How about that crooked movie? What is it? “Sideways?" Better?

Okay, Best Actor.
I hear Don Cheadle was nominated for his hotel manager/savior role in “Hotel Rwanda.” I was deeply moved by the commercials I saw for this film. He seemed truly concerned about people in trucks. That's nice. His pitch-perfect accent (accents, always a shoe in for the Academy. see: Meryl Streep), his struggle to get people onto said truck? A sure winner. And he seems to ready to take the “accent” crown from Meryl Streep (did you see “Oceans 11” & “’12”?) He’s a nonstop accent-machine, that Don! I think Leonardo Decaprio is nominated, too (I should really do a Google search, but I have dial-up and I don’t feel like waiting). Leo (I call him Leo because after seeing his bum in “The Aviator," I feel a closeness) did a fine job with the Texas accent, but it just wasn’t exotic enough for me. Let’s see. Oh, I almost forgot Jamie Foxx. You know, his teeth make me nervous. Way too perfect for me. And there are others? Whatever.

Best Actor: Don Cheadle
Should win: Don Cheadle , or, you know, Leo, I suppose.

Best Actress.
Weeell. Okay. Oh, wait! I saw “Maria Full of Grace”. So I guess I have seen more than one movie with any nominations. Whew! I was afraid I wasn’t going to give an honest assessment of the Oscars this year. Well, I’m not sure looking pensive and having excellent gag control is grounds to win an Oscar; on the other hand I applaud anyone with no gag reflex. Hillary Swank is nominated, too, I think. If she is, she has already won for playing a guy. C’mon, we all know Boxing is a man’s sport! Women should win for best bundt cake, or something. Did Swank cook in that movie? If she did, then I would be willing to give her the nomination.

Best Actress: Catalina Sandino Moreno (just to hear the presenter mess up her name)

Best Director.
Now this is a difficult decision to make. There are so many good directors out there. My high school drama teacher was a decent director, but he wasn’t nominated. Dirty Harry was nominated for that expensive baby movie. But making a film about how expensive babies are? Nah. “The Aviator” did have the best-delivered line of the year courtesy of one of those Baldwin brothers. “Ray” is supposed to be pretty good, but I didn’t see it. And I guess Ray didn’t see me, so we're even. “Vera Drake” by Mike Leigh sort of rolls off the tongue. Um, I have to give it to Martee for “The Aviator” for the line, “fuck.”

Best Director: Martee Scoresaysee

Well, I hope this has helped some of you that may still be struggling to make your choice for this very important awards show. If you have any questions about the Oscars, please don’t hesitate to ask someone else, I’m sure they will be more than willing to answer.