Vacuum

Now many people have asked me why I like to vacuum (the guy I'm dating thinks I have a vacuum fetish. That is inaccurate). The reason I like to vacuum is, are you ready for it? Here it comes… I like to vacuum because I want my neighbors and friends to know I am better than they are. There, I said it. I vacuum because I am better than the lesbians that live below me (a side note to said lesbians: for the love of Pete, please lower you damn voices! That's all I’ll say on that subject. Except this: are all lesbians loud? Just wondering. Seriously, lesbians in the apartment below, SHUT UP!) Anyway, I am better than all my friends, neighbors and all relatives simply because I vacuum. There is also an altruistic reason to why I vacuum; I want to spread the joys of a clean carpet and the joys of having a clean carpet in the home to the world. I figure if I vacuum, my neighbors will hear me vacuuming and when they see me in the halls of the building or on the streets of San Francisco smiling broadly, they will, no doubt, put two and two together and realize my happiness stems from vacuuming. They will think, "my goodness Michael is always so happy. It must be because he vacuums." And they would be correct. I would not be such a happy guy were it not for the sucking power of vacuums! Ahh, yes. The sucking power of my vacuum…yes, the sucking of my vacuum…sucking…vacuum…sucking...powervacuumsuckingpowersuck...suck...suck...ahhh. Oh, sorry. Where was I? Oh, yes, I can sense the admiration of the lesbians below me as I start my vacuuming at 5:30 in the morning. I just know they are filled with admiration as I vacuum my carpet, and I know they wish they could be like me, a lofty goal, to be sure. And I can appreciate the fact that they, and many others, want to be like me, but, alas, this will never be. You may ask why? Well, you may, but the explanation is much too complicated to venture into at this time. Anyway, I don’t have time to explain, as I must to vacuum.