My Completely Uniformed Oscar Picks

I guess the Oscar thing is going to be some sort of annual event, who knew? Because the powers that be (thanks, Angel), have deemed this little Oscar party will be hanging around a bit, I figure I’ll just make my Completely Uniformed Oscar Picks an annual event, too. Here we go:

Best Picture.

As you might have suspected, I have only seen one of the films nominated this year, but many of my friends have seen all the movies, so I feel qualified (as if!) to make my picks.

Let’s see…

Crash As far as I can tell this isn’t about the album by The Dave Matthews Band, but about some rather cranky people in LA. I know that Ryan Phillippe is in it and he was pretty good in his wife beater in I Know What You Did Last Summer, so if he takes his shirt off in the movie, I would be willing to give best picture to Crash. Does anyone know if Ryan acts shirtless in Crash movie?

There’s also the Steven Spielberg non-alien movie, Munich (I always want to call it Munch, oddly enough). Because I can’t help but call it Munch, I really can’t give this film best picture. Spielberg should have named it something less confusing.

I know there’s that movie about the Studio 54 guy. You know the one with the lisp? I guess he wrote some cold book about blood. I don’t know, sounds so…cold and bloody to me. The thought of sitting through an entire film listening to that annoying voice would drive me crazy, anyway. Sitting through this movie would be like having to listen to Tom Amiano (google his name) drone on about the plight of some [insert minority]., so I really can’t give Best Picture the lispy movie.

Let’s see, Good Night and Good Luck is in black and white. Hmm. A black and white movie is so 1940’s. Hellooo, George Clooney, everyone has been making movies in color for like 60 years! Get with the program. I can’t get behind a movie that isn’t up on all the latest technological breakthroughs.

Now Brokeback Mountain I saw. Not a bad movie. It was in color (a big plus in my book), it had shots of wide-open spaces (have you noticed how movies with shots of wide-open spaces seem to win? I give you Lawrence of Arabia and that piece of crap, The English Patient), and, um, cowboys (no Indians, though), that Dawson Creeks chick…and trailers and a few fireworks for good measure. Yeah, it was good. Some have said it is kind of slow, but I think they are missing the point. The movie has to be slow because most people in this country are slow themselves. Oooh, zinger!

And the Oscar should go to:

I’ll have to give it to Brokeback Mountain because, as a gay, I am duty bound to honor yet another film about doomed gays.

Best Actor:

Philip Seymour Hoffman is nominated for the lispy movie, and you know how I feel about movie, so I won’t bore you with the reasons why I don’t want him to win. Let’s just call it the Tom Amiano Effect.

Terrence Howard is nominted for Hustle and Flow. I read somewhere this film was produced my MTV Films. MTV is making movies? I just cannot get behind that idea. I just know this movie has a bunch of quick edits and music like those videos that channel shows. Sounds like Terrence was probably in some two hour long music video. Does not sound good to me.

There’s Joaquin Phoenix for playing Johnny Cash. You know, Joaquin always has made me nervous what with is pasty white and doughy skin. I can’t give it to him based on his pasty skin.

Heath Ledger plays that gay cowboy. Well, I like my gay cowboys to be played by gay actors. All the best actor awards go to people that are really like their characters. You didn’t know that? I'll give you some examples. The guy that played Hannibal Lechter? He really is a psychotic brain-eating killer. No, really he is. That’s why he got the best actor award. Whoopi Goldberg got her award because she really is an annoying black woman. See, the proof in irrefutable.

And the Oscar should go to:

I guess I’ll give it to Terrence Howard. Not sure why, so why not.

Best Actress:

Judi Dench is nominated for playing a women that exploits women. Felicity Huffman is nominated for playing a man wanting to be a women that finds out she has a total hotty of a son. Keira Knightly for some old boring book that was made into a movie about pride and something else. I can’t go for someone that would be in a movie about one of the seven deadly sins, though. Charlize Theron is nominated, too. Isn’t Charlize from South Africa? Aren’t they racist over there? I can’t get behind a racist. Reese Witherspoon for walking some line. Gosh, I don’t know….Um, let’s give it to Felicity Huffman because, even though she is not really a Tranny, she really looks like one on TV.

And the Oscar should go to:

Felicity Huffman.

I think there are a lot of other awards I could go through, but I won’t because my cell phone is ringing. Enjoy the Oscars!