Sunday, December 11, 2005


I have ants.

Now I don’t have a lot of ants, mind you, just a couple here and there., and the thing is, they are not marching in a straight line as if they are on some ant version of the Bataan Death March with hundreds of other like-minded ants. The ants seem to be contained in my bathroom alone and not just in one place, there will be one on the wall, one above the sink or one crawling in the bathtub or on the tile. No, these ants seem to be out on a stroll without a care in the world. By themselves, alone. And that’s fine; it’s just that I always thought ants stuck together in their colonies doing the bidding of some queen as she shits out new ant larva day after day. Since these ants seem to be going against the grain of what ants are supposed to do, I can only surmise, after thoughtful contemplation, that these ants are special, a cut above other ants, and as such, deserve my respect. I figure these ants are fee thinkers and since these are freethinking ants, they have decided to liberate themselves from the evil clutches of the nasty Queen Ant, The Bitch (I cannot confirm the title of the queen ant, but I can only guess what these free thinking ants more than likely call her).

I like to think these ants have found my apartment because they feel they can live as they want to live: free to roam from the sink to the toilet to the bathtub and, perhaps, back to the sink with, perhaps, a detour to the trash can. Who knows. These ants are special, after all. Because of these ants’ special attributes, I shall let them scurry along wherever they see fit to scurry. I feel a sense of pride knowing these ants are comfortable enough and trusting enough to pick my humble apartment as their chosen Ant Utopia For Free Thinking Ants (AUFFTA).

Yes, knowing these few ants have evolved and no longer feel the need to feed the Queen bon bons and baby-sit her larval spawn shows a new evolutionary step forward for these wondrous creatures. It is exciting knowing I am the witness to a new step forward in ant evolution, and I feel such honor seeing these ants break free to and form their new AUFFTA. Because of this, I decided to let these ants roam free in my bathroom in the hopes they will find the joys of freedom and the stray fecal matter in which to sustain their little ant bodies.

Now I have realized these ants, free thinkers that they are, should be aware of their surroundings and if, by chance, I accidentally step on one while I step out of the shower, or one accidentally gets crushed under my thumb, I can only assume these little fellas will take the, possible, wholesale slaughter of their friends in stride and chalk it up to the dangers of living away from the colony. Why just the other day I was looking at myself in the mirror, I leaned forward for a closer view of my face, and I accidentally crushed one of my ant friends under the palm of my hand. Well, I new I shouldn’t let this bother me because these ants have evolved into a higher form of ant, and surely understand the dangers a freethinking ant life. The strange thing is, this sort of thing keeps happening. I keep stepping on, or washing down the drain, or crushing accidentally under my finger all sorts of ants. I don’t know why these ants keep letting this happen. I mean they are highly evolved, right? Why would ants knowingly put themselves in places that would cause them harm? I just don’t get it. It’s almost like these ants haven’t evolved…at…all…not evolved at all…!

You know what? If these ants have evolved into free thinkers they would have done it long ago. After all, ants have been around long before humans and they haven’t evolved beyond what they were like millions of years ago when they were avoiding being trampled upon by Barney The T-Rex! You know what I think? I think these ants are in my bathroom scouting out new locations for their nasty ant minions to come and take up residence, THAT’S what they are doing. That’s right, they are scouts sent forward by their nasty bitch-queen to find a new world to colonize and, no doubt, infest with those nasty pupa spawn. Oh no, these are not some docile members of AUFFTA, these are soldiers sent on recon in order to colonize my apartment. I know exactly what these ants were probably thinking when they were conducting their little meetings on which apartment to infest next. They probably figure I would be a good target for their next infestation. I can see it now, with their “clickety, clack” and their “clackety click” as they were sitting around devising their evil plan. Hah, but they never expected to encounter my superior intelligence. I bet they never anticipated I would figure them out. Stupid ants. Hah! I’ll show them who is evolved and a free thinker. I cannot believe the gall of these puny insects! Do they think they are dealing with some wimp? Someone that just lets ants crawl all over him? It’s time to take a stand and show these ants that I am the boss. Me! That’s right, me. Not the ants. Me!

I shall leap into action. I will be Action Man!

Since there is no way that these nasty creatures from the bowels of hell are going to use my apartment as their den of…of ant iniquity, I shall take move quickly! I know what I must do. I shall hunker down in my kitchen and devise a plan to stop these invading tyrants. Why, even as I type these words, a plan is forming, and like all well thought out plans, I already have a name for my plan, I shall call it Death Unto Hordes (DUH).

I can see it now. DUH shall have graphs, charts, and timetables. These ants will have no chance against my superior Homo sapien mind. I shall implement my plan in phases: Phase 1 I will kill the ants with my mighty thumb. Phase 2, and this is the kicker, I shall LEAVE the lifeless ant carcass’s at the place of their demise so when the Queen Ant Bitch (QAB) sends out a search party to find out where her missing minions have gone, the QAB’s search party will find my bathroom strewn with the lifeless bodies of her scouts. The search party, terrified by the site of so much death and carnage, will scurry back to the colony and report of the ghastly scene to the QAB. The QAB shall realize the futility of her vile plan and shall abandon any hope of colonizing my bathroom.

After this successful rollout of my plan, I will bask in the glory of my evolutionary advanced mind and its ability to outwit these ants. And if these hellions ever come back, I’ll just kill them again and again until their lifeless corpse are strewn all over my bathroom like the battle of Bunker Hill. I will prevail! I will leave the corpses so if more ants show up, they will see the destructive force of my mighty plan and scurry back to their bitch queen and tell her death will be reigned down upon them if they enter my apartment. Hah! That will show them who’s the boss! Who’s the ruler of this nest. The grand poobah. I am the master of my domain.

Yes, those ants haven’t got a chance, my friends. Not a chance. Hah, hah! Ah, victory shall never taste so sweet. I am the master. The man.



Blogger Curtis said...

You know, Target is having a 20% off sale on Black Flag. It's an option.

3:18 PM  
Blogger Chox said...

You have stray fecal matter on your bathroom floor?'re slipping. Get some Dow Bathroom Wipes. Even *my* bathroom doesn't have stray fecal matter.

But you gets props anyway for using the phrase, "stray fecal matter" in a blog post. See what you've done to me? Mention poop and I'm all giggly.

5:39 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home