Stand Tall...Actually, I'll Just Sit

I have a confession.

Whenever possible, I will sit down when I pee. Now this may not be such a strange thing to say, write maybe, but say, maybe not. Or maybe it is? I don’t know. I just know I do not like to stand at a urinal or a toilet and pee.

I’ll explain the genesis of how I became a…sitter.

Growing up in Southern California one wears shorts a lot. Why does wearing shorts have to do with standing up while peeing? Well, when I was a child I remember a day I had an epiphany. Now this epiphany, one could say, changed how I looked at using the bathroom. It was one day, in the summer I believe, and I was wearing shorts, O.P., probably (those were the shorts everyone wore when I was a kid), and I needed to use the bathroom. I proceeded to enter the bathroom to do my business, and my business I did. But, while doing my business, standing, mind you, I realized something that my Virgo sensibilities rebelled against. I realized that when one stands at a toilet to pee, there is some amount of "splash back." This splash back inevitably hits one’s legs, and when one is wearing shorts, the splash hits bare legs. To say I found this extraordinarily uncomfortable, what with the unsanitary considerations of what splash back meant. I mean, what do you think was contained in that splash back? Pure natural spring water? Hah! Not hardly... oh, I feel it necessary to also tell you the other reason why I stand when I do my number one business: the sound of…of the splashing in a toilet. Now all you men out there no what I am talking about! You are standing over the throne, doing your business with all that disgusting splash back, and along with the splash back you get the noise of water hitting water. There is no noise, besides fingernails on a chalkboard, that I cannot stand than the splashing noise created when one stands to pee. I think it is tacky to allow that kind of noise to emanate from the bathroom. So, there is another reason why I will stand, especially if I am at someone else’s house. One should be as quiet as possible when doing one’s business in the bathroom, especially at someone else's home.

At this point in the story, I, again, feel it necessary to explain a bit about myself as I was in my years prior to becoming a fully "functioning" adult. Now many of my friends are familiar with my clean ways. Chad Fox has even requested that I come over to his place to clean it. Mikey has called wondering why I would vacuum for two minutes, stop, and about 15 minutes later, vacuum again (I was vacuuming during the commercial breaks of Buffy The Vampire Slayer). Well, I was very much the same way when I was a child, only when I was a child, my need to have a clean place to live was at near chemical imbalance levels. I can recall I would routinely get up in the middle of the night to clean my room simply because I couldn’t stand the fact that my room was a mess. I can recall lying in bed, the lights out, my brother already asleep in the bunk below me, my mind racing with thoughts of how there were clothes on the floor and dust on the dresser. Now remember, I shard a bedroom with my older brother and like most older brothers, mine was a slob, and his lack of the "need to clean gene", drove me crazy. So I would often in the middle of the night just get up, switch on the light, and start to pick up the room. This never really went over well with my brother as the time of my nocturnal cleanings generally took place at around 1 or 2 in the morning. So I can only guess what went through my brother’s mind when the bedroom light would turn on at 2 in the morning and I would start to pick up dirty clothes, dust and vacuum our room. I can remember many yelling matches we would have in the wee hours of the morning, those fights being broken up by a disheveled and groggy mother. My poor, poor mother.

So, my need for cleanliness naturally flowed, if you will pardon the expression, into using the bathroom. As I said, I realized that when one pees standing up there is splash back, and what is in that splash back? Urine. Now urine, for those that care, is something the body doesn’t want anymore, so why in god's name would I want any of it on me? Urine is a waste product that the body needs to get rid of. It is toxic! If the inside of my body doesn’t feel the need to keep it inside, why would I want it on my outside? See my point? When I realized what was splashing onto my legs, I was disgusted and vowed there and then to never pee standing up if at all possible. Honestly, who wants excrement on their legs? It’s just gross. But, of course, as with any rules, there are exceptions. One is when I am at a bar. If you ever went into a bar’s bathroom, the idea of sitting on a toilet, even if there is one of those butt gaskets available, is out of the question. The second reason is…well, if the toilet is just too gross.

So, there you are, gentle readers, why I sit down when it is time for me to use the little boys room.

And no Chad, I cannot come over and clean your apartment.

I would also like to take this time to apologize to my new neighbors living below me for my odd vacuuming habits.

Of course, now I fear I have pretty much made any of my friends too frightened to come and visit me in my apartment for fear they may insult my delicate Virgo sensibilities. To all my friends, please, come on over, sit, and relax. Don’t let my neurosis frighten you away!