New Movie Star On Boarding Procedures
Welcome to Hollywood! As you know you have been chosen to be "the next big thing" to hit the movie biz. We here at Mega Star Talent Creations (The Agency) would like to welcome and thank you for selling your soul for a lifetime fame and financial security(for clarification, "lifetime" means if your previous film grossed over $100,000,000 or you are dating Julie Roberts Angelina Jolie Scarlett Johansson). Please take time to peruse the document (not too much time, we have a lunch meeting at Spago). It is vital that you follow the instructions listed below to the letter (we have been making stars for a very long time, we know what we are doing. Kevin Costner ignored this list and we all know what happened there!)
Below you will find instrusions on how to conduct yourself during interviews. The Agency will inform you when it time to use certain answers.
1. During filming of your first Blockbuster, during interviews you must act naive to what "all this hoopla" is about.
2. You are to repeat over and over again at how honored and thrilled you are to work with [insert name] and that you are fulfilling a dream. (this can be dropped after your fist 100 million dollar grossing film)
3. You are to act embarrassed and ask (verbatim), "ah, geeze, where'd your get that?" when [insert name of entertainment show] shows your highschool prom/graduation/[insert pre-approved club] photo.
4. You must be hesitant to talk about your personal life (we have all learned what happens when you let your real personality and views come through; see: Tom Cruise).
5. When you do relent to talk about your personal life, you grew up in a quiet suburban home in [insert "the valley, outside New York, or some farm in the Midwest](depending of what tests best, we will let you know where you grew up).
6. When you moved to Hollywood, you packed up your [insert VW Van, VW Bug, beat up Suburu/Sentra or '77 Volvo] and drove out "with a simple dream of being in the movies."
7. When you arrived in Hollywood, you stayed on the couch at your cousin's place in the valley and worked in/as (depending on how you test) construction/waiter/GAP sales associate (still working on the GAP endorsement, hold off on this until endorsement is confirmed.)
8. You are currently enjoying the anonymity and are not seeking fame, you are just happy to be a working "actor".
9. When asked about rumors that your next project is working with [insert name of powerhouse director/producer], you are to say "I don't know anything about that, I'm just concentrating on making [insert name of current project].
10. You will be supplied with a Golden Retriever as your "best pal" (be sure to mention the dog in interviews, fans go ape-shit for this kind of crap).
11. Attached is a pre-approved list of therapists. You are required to choose one therapist you are seeing currently, one you saw years ago and one that your best friend, [insert name of "B" actor] is rumored to be seeing. (This is only to be used after your box office clout is established and The Agency is ready to let a more personal side out.)
You are to follow the guidelines above to the letter at all times. You are not to mention the list to anyone. This includes girlfriends/boyfriends (or both, depending), family, casual friends, friends, the barista at Starbucks, any hooker/rentboy you pick up. Failure to comply will result in what The Agency has dubbed "Feldman'd", named after Corey Feldman (you don't want to be "Feldman'd" - trust).
If there are any questions, you can call The Agency help desk by dialing 666 on your Agency supplied cell phone.
Below you will find instrusions on how to conduct yourself during interviews. The Agency will inform you when it time to use certain answers.
1. During filming of your first Blockbuster, during interviews you must act naive to what "all this hoopla" is about.
2. You are to repeat over and over again at how honored and thrilled you are to work with [insert name] and that you are fulfilling a dream. (this can be dropped after your fist 100 million dollar grossing film)
3. You are to act embarrassed and ask (verbatim), "ah, geeze, where'd your get that?" when [insert name of entertainment show] shows your highschool prom/graduation/[insert pre-approved club] photo.
4. You must be hesitant to talk about your personal life (we have all learned what happens when you let your real personality and views come through; see: Tom Cruise).
5. When you do relent to talk about your personal life, you grew up in a quiet suburban home in [insert "the valley, outside New York, or some farm in the Midwest](depending of what tests best, we will let you know where you grew up).
6. When you moved to Hollywood, you packed up your [insert VW Van, VW Bug, beat up Suburu/Sentra or '77 Volvo] and drove out "with a simple dream of being in the movies."
7. When you arrived in Hollywood, you stayed on the couch at your cousin's place in the valley and worked in/as (depending on how you test) construction/waiter/GAP sales associate (still working on the GAP endorsement, hold off on this until endorsement is confirmed.)
8. You are currently enjoying the anonymity and are not seeking fame, you are just happy to be a working "actor".
9. When asked about rumors that your next project is working with [insert name of powerhouse director/producer], you are to say "I don't know anything about that, I'm just concentrating on making [insert name of current project].
10. You will be supplied with a Golden Retriever as your "best pal" (be sure to mention the dog in interviews, fans go ape-shit for this kind of crap).
11. Attached is a pre-approved list of therapists. You are required to choose one therapist you are seeing currently, one you saw years ago and one that your best friend, [insert name of "B" actor] is rumored to be seeing. (This is only to be used after your box office clout is established and The Agency is ready to let a more personal side out.)
You are to follow the guidelines above to the letter at all times. You are not to mention the list to anyone. This includes girlfriends/boyfriends (or both, depending), family, casual friends, friends, the barista at Starbucks, any hooker/rentboy you pick up. Failure to comply will result in what The Agency has dubbed "Feldman'd", named after Corey Feldman (you don't want to be "Feldman'd" - trust).
If there are any questions, you can call The Agency help desk by dialing 666 on your Agency supplied cell phone.
posted by Michael at 12:12 PM
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